Happy 5th B-Day in Heaven Lucas

Today my little Lucas is 5 years old. It seems like Yesterday when I held him in my Arms. I miss him so much, it can be unbearable at times. I sit and wonder all the what ifs and think of how it would be if he was still here. But then I think of how much he has changed me for the Better and what my faith is now b/c of him.

Happy 5th B-Day Lucas I miss you SO Much!

Everyday Life!

It's been forever since I posted a new blog. Allot has happened, the Kids had a great x-mass and has really enjoyed their time off from school. I was glad to see it start back tho lol! My New Year consisted of Levi coming to me screaming and crying he had a Boo Boo exactly when the clock struck 12am, Now every since then It's been Boo Boo central at my house lol.

Nevaeh has been a little Princess at least she thinks she is LOL She has been loving playing dress up and her dolls!

Christian seen the Neurologist and is definitely diagnosed w/ Mild CP, Dr. Robertson is hopeful it will remain Mild. We go the 29Th for a EEG to make sure no seizure activity, since Christian has had some episodes at night waking up gasping we want to make sure. If EEG is normal we won't go back till a year. On the 28Th we go for a barium swallow study to rule out reflux or any abnormalities there that could be causing these problems. Christian Also seen Dr. Howell The opthamologist and he has allot of astigmatism in his left eye and is far sighted so he got him some new Glasses. He's been trying so hard to hold onto Toys now, and loves trying to sit up! He will be starting PT 2X a week soon and OT is starting this week. Not to mention DI 1 X a week and Speech should start in the next month or two!

Other than all that we have just been busy w/ everday life!

NICU Graduate Clinic Follow Up

Christian had his NICU Graduate Appt. this morning. On his scoring they give him 2 months b/c he was 2 months early except for speech, He scored 100 in his cognitive area, 73 for Motor and 74 for Speech. They said considering his History and by looking at his chart they expected him to be way far more behind, that he was doing so AMAZING considering his History! He is however Stiff and weak in his right arm and Hand which we already knew He also holds is Hand in a fist most of the time. I did notice his right leg seemed a little Stiff but was unsure and he is also Stiff there and in both legs but more on the Right side they said. We were to see the Neurologist Monday but due to the Weather it got Canceled and we won 't go back till Jan. He has been getting PT 1X a Week and DI 1X a Week we are going to be Starting OT ASAP and plan to have Speech Therapy by Jan


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Christian had his Shunt Revision on Nov. 25th due to Malfunction. The only symptoms basically were Head increasing in size and soft spot. Anyway he had also Deviating eyes and sunsetting. They looked better till last night I noticed his Left eye was Deviating again and was not equal w/ the other. I did Mention this w/ the NICU Doc and he looked and did note that w/ the light shinning into his eyes they are not the same that one is were it should be and the other isn't. Basically What I already seen. Christian has his opthamology appt. in Jan. also and the doc said it should be OK to wait. and all this could be from all the pressure he had from the Hydro or it could be that his Muscles in that eye have become Weak or not developing as they should that he couldn't really say that the Eye doc would be able to get a better pic

I hope all have a Great Holiday!

He's now 26 inches and 15 pounds He's growing up :) He has fount his foot and it's his Favorite thing right now LOL

What a Holiday!

We have had a few scary days :( This last couple of weeks I noticed Christian's head seemed bigger and his soft spot seemed to be getting larger. He had a appt on the 25th so I just waited till then. Since he was acting OK, he was playing and cooing and eating OK. His pediatrician confirmed my suspicion his head had increased a little over 2 inches with in a month and his soft spot was big. So off to Children's ER I went w/ him as that is were the neurosurgeon' s told us to go. Upon arrival they immediately got him into radiology. After that with an hour he was having emergency Surgery. His Shunt was malfunctioned and his ventricles were so swollen his eyes wasn't looking upward (an indication serious) They said there was no way they could wait as if they did all the fluid build up could push his brain out and Kill him. That they had to take him in right away. I was terrified and didn't know what to do. James was trying to get there. I was all alone and so scared. Finally after waiting for over an hour the surgeon came out and said surgery went great. The tubing that was in the brain ventricles was clogged. They replaced it w/ new tubing and sent the old one off for pathology report. After 2 hours we finally got to go back in recovery by that time James arrived. We were in recovery for 4 hours b/c he had a rough start after surgery w/ bad heart rate drops and his eyes were leaning to the sides. Finally he started doing great and was moved to the floor and did great over night and the following morning and evening and was sent home. We are now home and resting. I am so glad I took him when I did, I just wish I would of took him sooner but he was acting OK and normal. I feel horrible b/c I think of what could of happened if I hadn't taken him in. I know I shouldn't feel that way but can't help it. Please keep Christian in your thoughts for a fast recovery. They said he was OK to come home but I am terrified now, He's still sluggish on his feeds but he still so happy and playing (when he has Tylenol for the pain LOL) He has just amazed me so much...He sure is one tough Cookie!

Hope Everyone has a Great Thanksgiving, We will be spending it home as we don't want to get Christian out so soon after Surgery. One thing I'll be thankful for is my Baby Christian :)

It's been a rough few weeks, I've had to deal w/ so much since my loss from Family it unreal :( Unfortunately I have cut all ties to my sister. She has treated me horrible since my loss, all b/c I didn't call her while I was on my death bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone I was so distant I wanted to be left alone. She has sent me nasty texts and voice mail messages, and my son has been getting picked on at school by her daughter, she tells him it's all his fault etc. I have went to the school called and everything and nothing has been done, thankfully things has slowed down this last week lest just hope it stays that way so I can mourn my loss and stop dealing w/ every one's Drama.

As for the rest of the clan, their all doing good. I haven't been able to do much therapy myself w/ Christian lately but we are trying to get back on track w/ that. His therapist are still coming out every week. He is doing Great over all.

Nevaeh got her fingers cut the other day, she decided to get a can out of the trash and well one finger on each hand got cut. Unfortunately I had no vehicle b/c James took mine to work. I couldn't control the bleeding so had to call an Ambulance. They came out and got her all bandaged and bleeding controlled until my mom got there. Levi's speech therapist came and after my mom got there we went and took her to the hosp. She needed stinches but considering it was her finger tips and she would just tear them out the doc didn't want to do that so he glued them to get the bleeding to stop. Unfortunately one started back bleeding that night but after 2 days it's not bleeding no more. Poor thing can't stand to have her band aids off LOL!

Christian's Diagnosis :(

We just got home from Christian's appt a follow up on his arm were he isn't moving his right as much and it's a little stiff. His ped feels that it's b/c of his Stroke he had and he has developed CP in his right arm, as of right now it's mild and we are hoping it stays that way. So far his arm is the only thing affected, I'm crossing my fingers that it will stay that way. After all that has happened these past couple of weeks, going threw a miscarriage and almost dieing, this really isn't something I wanted to hear to say the least, I kinda knew it may be CP but hearing that my baby has CP makes it different. I'll take him no matter what and I'll ALWAYS LOVE HIM nothing will ever change that. It's just hard knowing he will be dealing w/ this for the rest of his life. I just pray that his will only stay Mild. He goes back for his 6 month follow up in a few weeks, He is up to 13 pounds finally and 24 inches! As for me well, I feel like the world is crashing down all around me. These past 5 years I have had so much heartache and pain in my life, but there has been so many amazing happy rewarding ones to it's just so hard to see them. It's like I'm at the point to say OK what's next what else do I have to go threw. It makes you think how much does one person really have to go threw in Life. I know I'm not better than anyone else and there are many probably going threw worse I just hate that we all have to have so much heartache and I wonder if there is ever an end of this long road. Will I ever see the light again and just be HAPPY?

An Unexpected Loss :(

The morning of the 22nd at around 6 am Christian woke up wanting his bottle. I got up and used the bathroom feeling OK, I went on and got his bottle ready and then went and got Christian out of bed. We came to the living room as we usually do and I sat down in my computer chair. It was no more than 5 minits and I felt a warm wetness run down my legs. I looked and saw blood. James was asleep on the couch, I instantly hollered at him, He ran over w/ a scared look on his face. I some how remained calm. I knew it was not good but I was calm. I had him get Christian and there was a towel laying in the floor so I wrapped it around my bottom and went to the bathroom. I was Gushing blood and the towel didn't even catch it all. I sat on the toilet then started to cry. I knew I was loosing my baby but I didn't want to accept it. The flow of the blood slowed down to like a spotting. I got up cleaned myself up and James was on the phone trying to find someone to watch the kids. We were having no luck so he wanted to call an ambulance. I told him no b/c the bleeding slowed way down and I thought I passed it all. I still wanted to go to the hospital in hopes that maybe it was nothing Major and that the baby was OK. Finally James got a hold of my mom and left to go pick her up. He came back about 30 minits later. By that time the bleed was coming back but not to bad. It was like I was having a period. We got in the van and off we went. No ,more than 5 minits passed and just after we passed the rail road tracks I started gushing. It was so bad. I don't remember much but telling James if I die to take care of the Kids. I was in and out of it on the way to the hospital. He said I was talking out of my head. I do remember James getting me out of the van and putting me in a wheel chair. I looked in my van and saw all the blood and huge blood clots and started crying. He wheeled me into the hospital were they were trying to get me to fill papers out I remember James yelling at them she is bleeding to death get her back there now. There was trails of blood from my van all the way into the ER. A nurse ran out and took me back while James registered me. I don't remember much but telling them they weren't taking my baby w/ out proof. I was crying and in and out of conscious. Everything is a blur. They had to do a emergency D&C When I woke I was in shock I didn't know what to think. James said all my color was gone I was so pale, so whitish gray looking that my lips didn't even have color. James said I was bleeding so bad it was like the excorist he said Huge clots as big as a watermelon was coming out. He said he thought he was going to loose me. They said I was very lucky to be alive I lost over half my blood. I was given 4bags of blood and they said I was still anemic. I was in the hospital for 4 nights. I am still very weak and numb I am so sad and I just don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now. I was just starting to get excited about this baby. It hurts so bad. It's like I'll be OK for a moment then it hits me. My doctor said they sent every thing off to the pathologist hopefully we will find out what happen. I'm so weak and in pain right now that I just don't know what to do.